Star Fox: How do we Kill Fox McCloud?
by XxSanitariumxX
Summary: Wolf is still sore towards Fox even after everything has settled down and even five years after the Anglar threat he still wants his revenge. But now that they are friends can Wolf actually kill Fox? Of course Fox is going to get it! oneshot, T for VSDL.


Wolf tapped his chin and proceeded to gnaw on his thumb claw. He was wracking his brain for idea after idea but none of them were good enough. Fire? No that was too practical. Torture? No that wasn't good enough and he just washed his hands. Starvation? No that would take too long and they might be discovered before then.

"I'VE GOT IT!"

Wolf snapped out of his pondering. "You do!?" Wolf shouted as he jumped up out of his chair to see what Panther had thought up.

"Yeah! Why don't we rape Krystal?" Panther said beaming like a child who just got sugar.

Wolf's face drooped into a scowl. "No you sick Fuck! First of all she'd kick our asses, second I'm not touching anything you touch and third of all McCloud wouldn't die in the end!"

"Fine but I don't see you coming up with any ideas." Panther pouted and sat back down in his chair.

Wolf scowled all the way back to his chair in the small room with two other chairs in it. It was Star Wolf's secret brainstorming room where they came up with the most diabolical, evil, dastardly, bastardly shenanigans that made all of Lylat sweat with fear when they heard a mere utterance of Star Wolf.

The red easy chair groaned when Wolf's weight plopped back down onto it. Wolf continued to wrack his brain over and over until the gears were properly oiled, the cobwebs were dusted and they would turn at any second. Just as they creaked to life Wolf became excited, he had the best way to kill Fox McCloud in his grasp until-

"I'VE GOT IT!" Panther shouted breaking Wolf's concentration and his hopes for the perfect and most devastating revenge the Lylat had ever seen was ruined.

"WHAT PANTHER? What could you possible think of that is any better than having sex with Krystal? I swear to God if your plan has anything to do with her and I don't care how good it is I'm cutting off what makes you want her!" Wolf shouted at the now silent Panther.

"You know what it wasn't a good plan anyways." Panther said finally after thinking over the results if he would suggest that they kidnap Krystal, brainwash her to kidnap Fox, torture him and then together they'd all kill that lucky vulpine.

"That's what I thought." Wolf growled and went back to turning the fired gears in his head. Killing Fox McCloud didn't bring any extra revenue to the table so it was hard for Wolf to be creative. It was only a personal vendetta which had been raging between them since they were kids.

'Fox I'll never forgive what you did to me when we were children.' Wolf thought to himself angrily as he stroked his closed once lost eye but now he had a new biotic one in its stead.

"I say that we take a cannon aim at his door and then knock three times. When he answers Fox McCloud will be no more!" Leon said suddenly.

Wolf nodded and mulled it over. "Well let's see that's one good suggestion compared to Panther's seventeen bad one that all include either him or all of us having sex with her-"

"Eighteen ideas thank you very much." Panther snapped.

Wolf nodded some more but then began to shake his head. "No not good enough. Krystal and Fox live together now so she might sense it coming. And besides how would we get a cannon to the middle of nowhere on Papetoon without anyone noticing us?"

"Yeah I guess you're right." Leon admitted. "I just thought that since we've been stuck in her for THREE HOURS you'd start listening to reason and take the practical way in this situation!"

"Shut up Leon! You know as well as I do that McCloud has to suffer before he dies! Remember all the times he shot you down? All the times he soiled your good name? All the times he-"

"YES! I remember!" Leon hissed.

"Good, then you know why he must die-"

"Yeah he's married to Krystal! HE MUST DIE!" Panther shouted standing up.

Wolf massaged his temples, he felt like every vein was trying to enlarge to the point that they'd explode. "Panther I hate you… just sit down, shut up and just sit there acting smart okay?"

Panther grumbled under his breath but obeyed.

"Okay, okay, okay, OKAY! How about this bit of fried gold? We go to McCloud's house, we etch our names into his car, shit on his doorstep, eat all his food and then shoot him in the back when he tries to clean up the mess?" Leon said.

"Good yes but we did that to Slippy last week and he survived unfortunately. In fact I remember the brood he calls offspring whooped your asses." Wolf chuckled remembering the bloody, bruised and broken wrecks that came home named Panther and Leon.

"Hey those kids have sharp little frog teeth! And those mean little fingernails!" Panther said trying to defend his masculinity.

"Uh huh." Wolf scoffed. "Anyways we need something original, something bold, something dynamic! Something that people will look back in history books and shit themselves thinking God damn Star Wolf was one sick group to do something like that to a person!"

"Why don't we strip him down and throw him into a the streets where a lot of his fan boys are because we posted he'd be there to sign autographs?" Leon suggested.

"Yeah that would work, death by horny fan boys but I don't know. McCloud is a cunning one and would find his way out of something so simple." Wolf said and then began to chuckle. "You remember his bachelor party? You me, Falco, Slippy, Peppy and Bill stripped him of everything but his underwear, tied him to a stop sign, and left him on the most dangerous street in Corneria?"

Leon began to crack up. "Oh yeah that was the best and it was really nice of him to invite us-"

"Why wasn't I invited?" Panther whined.

"Because at every stop and turn you try to get in his wife's pants! Face it your more hated and unwelcome then Slippy! You're the Slippy of Star Wolf!" Wolf shouted and began to laugh from the pit of his stomach.

"SHUT UP! I AM NOT THE SLIPPY!" Panther yowled.

"Well you can't be the Falco since you suck at flying and Leon is the oldest son of a bitch here-"

"Hey!"

"So that makes you the Slippy of Star Wolf seeing as how I am the leader which makes me that bastard McCloud of our group." Wolf continued after Leon interrupted him.

Panther began to hiss to himself but let this one slide since he had no retaliation to that.

"Okay how about this…" Wolf said, took a breath and then waited for the suspense to build. "How about we take his kid and we raise him in secrecy to be a part of Star Wolf?"

"KIDS? I HATE KIDS! Even though I have probably like forty-"

"Bull shit." Wolf growled calling Panther's bluff.

"Twenty-"

"Uh uh." Wolf hummed.

"Ten-" Panther tried but failed.

"Lower." Wolf said holding up two fingers "I'd say this many in your whole life but I'm giving you this one" Wolf said showing only his middle finger "because that blow up doll is so life like I have to-"

"STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!" Panther shouted as both Wolf and Leon began to laugh as hard as they could without bursting.

"Oh you guys are asses!" Panther hissed and left the secret Star Wolf room of secrecy and evilness.

"Well that's one idiot gone." Wolf said as the door slammed behind Panther.

Leon shook his head "You know what Wolf?" Leon said getting out of his chair. "I'm done for tonight, you can plan on how to kill McCloud however you want but I'm done for today."

"Well fine I don't need your help anyways!" Wolf growled as Leon left.

Wolf growled deeply in his throat and paced around the small room, knocking over Leon's and Panther's vacant seats.

"How am I going to kill McCloud? Maybe I could wait for that gift basket's food he sent me for being his son's God father to spoil and make him eat it? No that was a gift I can't return gifts… even if I am allergic to oranges and THAT'S ALL THAT WAS IN THERE!" Wolf shouted thus beginning his rampage.

"WHY" Wolf shouted and slashed Panther's chair nearly in half with his claws "DO" he shouted as he picked up Leon's chair and smashed it on the wall "I" he growled driving his foot through his own chair "SUCK?" he hollered and collapsed on the floor.

"He's just so… so… so… so… so…." Wolf said beginning to fade away, he was exhausted. Brainstorming for three hours took out all the energy he had left now that he was getting older and older. He began to doze off when the word popped into his mind. "STUPID! Fox J. McCloud is stupid! It all makes sense now! I can finally have my revenge!"

Without another word Wolf ran out of the room laughing manically through the hallways of his space station. What was left of his pirate gang that was walking through the halls thought old O'Donnell lost it finally as he ran past them full sprint laughing like he just brought the dead back to life.

When he reached his Wolfen II he powered it up and smashed other ships out of his way so he could leave as soon as possible.

"I'm coming for you McCloud." Wolf growled to himself as he set a course for Papetoon.

X)

Fox hiked down his favorite trail beaming with light, happiness and exuberance for the life he now led. He married the girl of his dreams, had a kid who showed more potential that pure energy, he had enough money to live comfortably in retirement (but that didn't stop him from having a little side business he managed) and most importantly he could stop and enjoy the good ol' quiet life in peace at last.

The still lean and very fit vulpine leapt over a fallen decaying tree in the middle of the path and inhaled deeply. He loved the smell of nature, it smelt like life in its prime.

"Just another mile and a half and I'll be home!" Fox said to himself, excited to go back and enjoy the life he almost never had.

Now that he was within easy running distance Fox put his walking stick into his backpack's little latch and headed home in a dead sprint. Not even the single grey hair he had as of now could call him old. Even in a ripe age of thirty seven he still had that drive, still had that fighter's spirit and most certainly still had that spark that could set off Krystal's grand finale in the bedroom anytime. Life sure kicked ass even when it wasn't submerged in war and action twenty four seven.

As the forest thinned he could begin to smell home. He had a little barn where he kept the horses, cow and chicken. For some reason Krystal wanted to have farm animals and Fox grew up with them in his life as a child so there was no discussing about it, they got them and cared for them like the best of farmers. But the best smell originating from home was the food. Somewhere in the long and harrowing escapades of the Star Fox era Krystal had become the best set of hands in a kitchen he had ever met. She always knew what was on his mind (probably because she could read his mind as easily as a book) and she knew just the way to make it to perfection.

With renewed energy Fox rushed threw the large three acre field and past the three grazing horses and one dairy cow. Within moments he was at his front door panting and ready to eat but before he went inside he spotted a curious note on his door.

"Went to the store, took Marcus, be back later, breakfast is on the counter and you better be ready for what's in store for you." Fox read out loud and lit up even more. This was turning out to be a fantastic day and when Krystal got home, ho boy!

Fox's hand twisted and turned the handle to his house but began to yell in pain as a large electrical current raced threw his body. He felt like he was dying and that his muscles would all seize up permanently but then the current stopped and he fell to the ground unconscious.

X) (Why an X) face? Just for lolls X3)

Wolf drug the orange vulpine's body into the well furbished and well kept house. It smelt like clothes after leaving them hanging to dry on a warm and breezy summer day. The carpets had no stains, the furniture was not torn up like the stuff back on Wolf's space station and most appealing of all was all the valuable stuff that tempted Wolf to steal from Fox but Wolf resisted. He was here to kill his recently found best friend, not steal all his stuff like last time.

Moving quickly Wolf tied Fox to a chair in the kitchen but not before stripping him of all his clothes aside from his underwear which were thankfully not white and speckled with little red hearts like last time.

"Now McCloud, the fun begins." Wolf said and began to slap Fox awake.

"Err… huh? What?" Fox said coming back to.

"Hey McCloud." Wolf growled as he gave Fox a sinister smile.

"Oh hey Wolf!" Fox said brightening up again. "How ya been man? I haven't seen you in a while!"

Wolf growled "Shut it McCloud!"

Fox chuckled. "Aw Wolf I told you, you can call me Fox!"

"Will you shut it? I'm trying to torture you before I kill you!" Wolf growled.

Fox began to laugh now. "Oh Wolf always the kidder aren't you? Listen I know ever since we made amends that you wouldn't so much as pick up a gun… to me." Fox finished after he came to stare down at the dark barrel of Wolf's blaster.

"You may have thought we made amends McCloud but I never did! Now I'm here to get my revenge." Wolf said then moved to the counter where Fox's food rested.

"Come on now Wolf this joke isn't funny anymore. Why don't you let me go alright? And we can catch up and you can tell me how things are going working for Corneria-" Fox said but was interrupted by the blast of energy that came so close to Fox's face it singed the hair on his left cheek a bit. "Whoa man what are you doing!?" Fox shouted.

"I told you McCloud! I'm getting my revenge!" Wolf snarled.

"Revenge? Revenge for what? For treating you like family? For making you my son's god father over Falco, Katt, Slippy, Bill, Peppy and Beltino? For keeping you out of death row, getting you a cozy job in Corneria where all you do is get paid to sit on your ass or maybe you're here to kill me because I invited you to my Christmas party last year!"

Wolf began to smile "Oh yeah that was one Hell of a party! Krystal got so wasted!"

Fox chuckled "Yeah she did but she has been sober since and- HEY PUT MY FOOD DOWN!" Fox shouted when Wolf began to wolf down all of Fox's bacon, sausage, hash browns, eggs, toast, omelets and milk that Krystal left out for Fox on the special gifts from Slippy that would keep food warm and fresh without worry of it spoiling or going cold as long as the battery was recharged every now and then.

"Mm Krystal is one Hell of a cook! MM!" Wolf said, savoring the cruel justice as well as Krystal's cooking.

"YOU BASTARD THAT'S MY FOOD! GET YOUR PAWS OFF IT!" Fox shouted and began to squirm around in his char against his bindings but to no avail. Fox watched in misery as every scrumptious bite disappeared into Wolf's ravenous mouth.

"Mm that was good." Wolf said putting the plate into the sink without rinsing it off.

"If I get out of here-"

"You'll what McCloud?" Wolf asked but Fox was silent. "That's right, even if you get out I'm still the one with the gun! Now prepare to feel my swift justice for all the pain you caused me, all the grief I suffered threw, all the humiliation I bared, and the eye I lost because of you-"

"Now hold on a minute!" Fox snapped. "You lost that eye yourself! You thought it would be cool to see how far you could stick a twig up your nose and you lost it because of your own stupidity! Hell I told you not to, I managed to get you to a hospital before you bleed to death and I even helped you pay for that new bionic one!"

"Uh uh!" Wolf said.

"Ya huh!"

"Uh uh!"

"Ya huh!"

"Uh uh!"

"Ya huh!"

"Uh uh!"

"Ya huh!"

"Okay fine you did help me buy this new one that is three times better than a normal eye, sees in the dark like its daylight, detects movement and can change color at will but… THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!"

"You're an idiot!" Fox shouted.

"Just shut up and taste my pain bitch!" Wolf shouted then threw the gun into Fox's face, the barrel glowing, ready to discharge a bolt into the legendary Fox McCloud.

X(

Krystal sighed with joy as she saw her home coming steadily closer, the animals out grazing in the pasture, the smell of serenity all around her and the sight of her sweet, adorable little kit Marcus sleeping soundly in his car seat. He looked a lot like his father aside from the blue fur, small amount of cranial hair and his left eye which was turquoise blue just like hers while his right eye was jade green. The doctor's said it was a medical mystery but it had absolutely no drawbacks what so ever. Plus it was kind of cool.

Her thoughts then turned to her husband whom, if he got the note, should be ready to get down and busy. Even to this day she caught him fawning over her like a love struck kit, he still blushed when she kissed him and he always behaved as curious as he did when they first met. He hardly ever thought about her in a dirty fashion but there were some instances in which they even aroused her. Like that one where they were both on the beach, the sun was setting, the ocean waves washed upon the sand and neither one of them was wearing a thing.

It was such a nice little idea that that was actually the way that Marcus was conceived by accident but they both decided that it was definitely time for them to have a child.

"Almost here Marcus." Krystal whispered softly when Marcus began to moan, his seat was uncomfortable and he longed for his little crib and soft blanket.

As they got closer to the driveway Krystal noticed someone coming out. "Who is… Wolf? What's he doing here?" Krystal said and began to light up. Ever since Star Fox and Star Wolf made amends and even before that when Krystal was a part of Star Wolf they were friends. Wolf was an okay guy and he didn't hit on Krystal every chance he got like most men, in fact Krystal was pretty sure he was a "homosexual" as Fox put it since she never found any traces of lust in him when he was around her. It didn't matter to her either way, gay or straight as long as he stayed away from her man. Fox was hers, and all hers alone.

Krystal pulled up to the car Wolf was trying to get into and honked. "Hey Wolf how are you?" Krystal asked as she turned off the car.

Wolf looked a little shaky and his voice sounded that way too as he said. "Oh not too bad I was j-just uh saying hi to Foxy and unfortunately I have to go-"

"Aw so soon? Come on I'll make your favorite! Apple-tinis!" Krystal said trying to tempt Wolf to stay with his favorite alcoholic beverage.

"Uh no thank you I have to go now so uhh… good bye!" Wolf said as he got into his car and sped off so fast that he woke Marcus up and he began to cry because of the loud noises.

"It's okay Marcus." Krystal reassured and got Marcus out of his seat. "It's just kooky ol' uncle Wolf." Krystal laughed and soon Marcus was back asleep as Krystal's soft humming cooed him to rest.

"Now let's go get your father to get the groceries in here shall we?" Krystal said to the sleeping vulpine.

Krystal walked through the door and began to call out softly but audible enough so that Fox could hear her from any room without the door closed.

"In here love." Krystal heard Fox say but it was barely more than a pain filled moan which worried her. Krystal rushed to the kitchen where Fox's voice orrigionated from and she gasped at the sight.

"Oh my God Fox! When I said be ready I didn't mean tie yourself up in the kitchen!" Krystal giggled.

"No I didn't do this… Wolf did." Fox said, his ears were drooped, his voice shattered like he had been horribly humiliated.

"Oh? And what did Wolf and you talk about?" Krystal asked and began to untie Fox while carrying the still sleeping Marcus in one hand.

"He wanted revenge." Fox said and massaged his aching wrists.

Krystal hesitated. She could feel the massive amounts of distress leaking from Fox and she was concerned that Wolf might have done "something" to Fox while he was tied up. Krystal put an arm on Fox's shoulder and let him feel her mind on his. The effects were visable, he relaxed a bit and let out a sigh of relief.

"What did he do Fox? You can tell me." Krystal said, preparing for the worst.

"He…." Fox said but faltered.

"Go on Fox it's all right." Krystal whispered in his drooped ear.

"He… he… he said I was stupid!" Fox said suddenly.

Krystal was silent for a minute. "Go on what else did he do?"

Fox shook his head. "That's all he did really! He called me stupid and said that it would eat at me until I die!"

"What?" Krystal said hardly believing her ears. And here she thought that she'd have to go kick Wolf's ass for moving in on her man.

"Yeah he called me stupid! ME STUPID?" Fox shouted and woke up Marcus. "Am… am I stupid Krystal?"

Krystal shook her head. "A little bit yeah. Now get Marcus back to sleep and meet me upstairs."

XD

Wolf's ship soared threw space and he smiled confidently to himself.

'Foxy never saw that coming, I'd be surprised if he manages to sleep at all this week! He was always so self conscious when we were kids. My revenge is now complete!' Wolf thought as he soared threw the black void of space towards home and the rest of Star Wolf.

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE~~~ Hey guys, just a quick, silly little one shot that came to me today. I hope you enjoyed, I know the ending was stupid but hey, your stupid! ... Give it time, it will eat at you! XD Anyways I hope you're not too mad for me wasting your time but hey at least it was a happy ending and maybe you got a few chuckles along the way?_**


End file.
